I appreciate

I was supposed to go to Davao. My boss asked me to attend a seminar there. But due to "gender issue", I had to back out. The chief of our office approved only three participants for the seminar. It so happen that the two participants were males. Which means, there's only one slot remaining for either Lyn or me (the only female participants). But we didn't want to go without each other. So, we both declined. They had to find another male employee to replace us. We forfeited the chance of a free trip, but I guess that's ok (not quite, though). I might not enjoy the company of the male species, anyway.

I do appreciate that despite the bad blood happened between me and my boss (our director) last year, he still gives me privileges like this (being sent to a seminar). And I know it is a surprise for the people here. Last time, he recommended me as the assistant treasurer for the Provident Fund. Nobody spoke any word about it, but I get the meaning of their silence. They were a little surprised, and a little jealous maybe. Well, the only person that commented about it was my other boss (our division head). She said, she did not expect him to give me privileges after the heated arguments we had last year. I didn't expect it myself, either. It's a privilege that he could have given to a person loyal to him and will do anything to kiss his ass. Me, the "maldita", who embarassed him in front of the assembly when I refused that he be the one to answer my query ( stories about this next time). Me, who argued with him when he confronted me about the protests and black movement ( oh, I wasn't part of black movement..funny.. More stories about this, too). I have my reasons, and they may be legitimate. But my actions were, one way or another, disrespectful. So I don't expect these privileges and respect he's giving me despite. Most of the time, I detest his authority (although I can notice some good changes in him). But, I want to give him credit for not taking things against me. I appreciate the respect that he gives and for still believing in my capabilities .

Yet, I'm still wary.

I will write all that happened last year. I know it's not easy to go back to. Those were bad memories I'd rather forget. Some monsters from my past that made me hide under my bed. Maybe I need to write them for some reason. To heal or maybe to understand.

excommunicated (an update)

And oh, about my disputes with some family members... Mommy and I are okay now. We text each other once in awhile. But as for my brother, I don't know how to deal with him. We constantly fight when we were young. For him I was untamed. He was even calling me a black sheep and I resented that for quite some time. And now that we're too way old for a fight, I don't know what to do with it so I'll leave it up to destiny. Besides, I'm not ready to make amends. Bad things were said. And though I always try forgiveness, I choose not to make a shortcut or we will miss out the lessons.

Did I ever say I wanted some peace this new year?

Why do I blog? Let me count the ways.

Why do I blog? Sometimes I forget why.

My (other) blog ain't a popular site. No way that it is. But I've got (few) readers, anyway. I am truly honored by their presence. But honestly, they get me ill at ease sometimes. Thinking of "what do they want to read about" instead of "what do I want to write about" loses some spontaneity. And my unwillingness to share some personal stories wanders me out of my goal. Of the real reason why I blog.

I blog ultimately for myself. It is supposed to be a private retreat more than anything else. A place where I commune with myself and hollow out something not known even to me. On the other hand, it feels good to have readers. I am not left alone with my thoughts. They journey with me somehow. But how far am I willing to share to them my life stories? How far can I compromise? There lies the obstacle.

So, I created this new blog for the reasons all stated above. I hope it fills up the void. As for my other blog, it remains to be shared. But let me REMIND MYSELF. The success of my blog should not rely on whether or not I have readers. Rather, it relies on how it makes me feel good about myself at the end of the day.

excommunicated

My brother's life is in bad shape right now. Maybe out of desperation, they made me enter into a compromise without my knowledge. I was angry and I refused to help. Not only because I felt violated but also because the favor they were asking was too much for me. Now they are utterly dismayed. He was upset, and so was my mother. My other siblings say they understand. But I wish I could just care less. Am I bad or good, I hope it's not of any importance. But the thing is, I care and am deeply affected. Just as they are, I am dismayed. I am hurt. But more than anything, I feel guilty. Blaming myself for the misfortune that I could have caused my brother.

I stood by what I think is right. If it makes me a selfish and bad sister, then I don't know what else to do, because I will still stand by my decision. I am their family. But above all else, I am a mother and the welfare of my kids is my main concern. Is it that difficult to comprehend?

Last night I told hubby "Ingatan mo sarili mo. Kayo na lang pamilya ko". We laughed. But inside me, I meant it. I feel disowned, really.

THIS BLOG

Everything that I write in here is not meant to be judged or criticized. Not even by myself. There's no wrong or right. Proper or improper. Just my feelings. Just the stories told as they are. I may find myself ranting, or gnashing, or cursing. Or I may find myself playful, pensive, reflective, or standing calm in some unholy and god-awful circumstances. And all of it will simply be ME. Me, without trying to be good nor bad. Just free. Just letting be.